That dirty, double-crossin' rat!

• Blonde Crazy

Tonight Ted is speechless with fury, he is spitting mad. The right hand clearly does not know what the left hand is doing in the Evil Empire. Ted and his colleagues are expected to sell "products" but when it comes to supporting said "products" there is no sodding backup available.

If someone said to you "my company can sell you this thing, it will benefit you thus and it's best to buy it now, when offered, rather than when you desperately need it" and you accepted that offer. How would you feel if "The Company" came back the next day and said "oh, by the way since you didn't fax us your order until this morning we are not going to honor the offer" what would you think?

I'm just a dog but I would bite them and then run away - fast!

Ted is just b*****y furious.

What we've got here is failure to communicate - 2

Please continue to enjoy the ramblings of Dr Johnson, dog raconteur in the spirit they are written:-)















Ooh, ooh, I weight 41 lbs, that's good, right?

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship

• Casablanca

... Day 2, having taken only 2 half anti biotic tablets as prescribed by my new vet, I succeeded in not getting Ted up in the middle of the night. I also did not need to rush outside when everyone woke up either. I guess the pills must be working so I'll finish the course and hopefully we'll hear no more whining in the night from me:-)
I think I like this new vet - even with all the poking and prodding. Not only was she very nice and found out what was wrong with me but she then showed Ted and me around her new practice which seems to have just about any facility a busy vet might need to administer to the needs of her furry customers. It's very reassuring to know that whilst Ted has to go to Aransas Pass or Corpus to get his broken limbs X-rayed I can have mine done here in Rockport; not that I'm planning on breaking anything!

Yesterday was a full day, not only did Ted have to go to work at the Evil Empire in the morning where he had quite a successful day actually, but then we all went out to visit Bella and Buddy in the afternoon for a BBQ. Yum, yum, woof, woof and I got to have a big bit of hamburger (unseasoned) that was left over; I don't think Bella got anything. She was pushing me around again so she didn't deserve a treat anyway. She did take me to see the neighbors pond which had ducks in it so I couldn't resist taking a running leap into the pond to try and retrieve a duck. Well I am a bird dog! Unfortunately they all got away and I couldn't get out the pond without Ted's help. He said I should have come back when he first called me then I wouldn't be soaking wet and stuck in a pond - guess that was right.
Here is the proof:

"What we've got here is failure to communicate."

• Cool Hand Luke

Ted was supposed to work today with Wee Jeanie; it was on the oh so recently published "who works which Saturday" list which Senga insisted on hand-crafting lest we did something involving our initiatives.
That list already messed with Ted's Saturday schedule as he was not meant to work in March at all due to previous days swapped with other colleagues but today everyone was "instructed" to come in for "a big end of month sales push"
So what does that do for the published schedule, woof! A dog needs to know when he can go to the beach on Saturday. You can't mess with my recreational habits like they don't matter.

The funny thing is that, on the day, only Ted and Wee Jeanie turned up for "the big push" due to everyone else having prior arrangements. Maybe the folks at the Evil Empire that come up with these ludicrous plans will attempt to give more than 48 hours notice of their demented plans in future. How does that sound? And the hilarious thing about it is that Ted was able to sit in Wee Jeanies' office and have his breakfast and a good long chat before any customers showed up. In fact there was barely enough trade all morning to keep the two of them occupied; thank goodness all six could not work today!

By the way just so you know, I got to play with Bella again at the ball park this morning and afterwards Ted took me to meet the new vet in town. She was very nice even tho' she poked and prodded me a bit and asked all sorts of stuff about heart worms and fleas and things no self respecting dog would have anything to do with. She has a "state of the art" surgery and even did a urine analysis while I waited; so now I'm on anti-biotic s which are supposed to stop me waking Ted up a 3am to let me out for a pee. Apparently I have a urinary tract infection which will hopefully be cured by these pills. I have to go back in 14 days to see if that has worked out or if something more drastic is needed.

... to be continued.

A dish fit for the gods

• Shakespeare's Julius Caesar

Let's be sacrificers, but not butchers, Caius. . . . And, gentle friends, Let's kill him boldly, but not wrathfully; Let's carve him as a dish fit for the gods, Not hew him as a carcass fit for hounds; And let our hearts, as subtle masters do, Stir up their servants to an act of rage, And after seem to chide 'em.

Ted tells me that this quote is apt today as he, Mrs Ted, Mrs Ted's mother and Mrs Ted's father are all going out to dinner this evening with one of Ted's customers who has become one of his friends. They are going to the Yacht Club and, to digress slightly, you may have guessed that I am not invited to join them there - humph, woof; the junior Teds are not going either so I guess I don't need to feel any personal affront at my exclusion.
The aptness of the quote, I am informed, is that the Evil Empire instructed Ted to sell, sell, sell to this woman and instead he has turned her into a friend, regular lunch date, and a family dinner companion.
So much more civilized than the blatent sales pitch he is subjected to daily.
The quote "A dish fit for the gods" has come to mean something delectable and/or delicious to eat whereas in its' original context that phrase refered to something somewhat darker in nature.
Perhaps tomorrow Ted may have some pictures from the Yacht Club. Personally I'm hoping that he comes home tonight with a doggy bag full of goodies to compensate me for not being allowed to join them at the dinner table!

Breathe life into a stone

• Shakespeare's All's well that ends well

I have seen a medicine
That's able to breathe life into a stone,
Quicken a rock, and make you dance canary
With spritely fire and motion, whose simple touch
Is powerful to araise King Pippen, nay,
To give great Charlemain a pen in 's hand
And write to her a love-line.

Woof woof, Ted says one is as likely to do some of the Evil Empires bidding as Helena is likely to succeed in raising King Pippen or Charlemain from the dead.

Tonight, for instance, Ted is expected to attend some meeting thing after office hours. He is expected to cheerfully give of his personal time to "network" in the community.
Small spherical objects is what I say to that; for one thing The Evil Empire does not pay salary, it pays wages and clocks its' employees by the minute. Why then would any sane employee willingly take away from his precious family time after office hours without receiving adequate financial recompense. Truthfully Ted believes that such time should be paid at overtime rates rather than donated free of charge in the pursuit of corporate profits.

This is precious dog walking time Ted is expected to eat into here! It is just not woofing well acceptable and these sad people need to get a grip and stop coming up with increasingly ludicrous activities to fill their employees time 24 hours a day.

Ted actually ended up enjoying himself, hence All's well that ends well. Networking can be fun but he still thinks it should come at time and a half!

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

• Shakespeare's Hamlet

Woof woof, this is not a happy play. Ted tells me that Hamlet considers suicide as he suffers moral and mental anguish over the knowledge that his uncle killed his father and married his mother.

And what has this to do with the price of fish in a seaside town; well, according to Ted, Hamlet's anguish is as naught when compared to the dilemma faced by sane people who happen to work for The Evil Empire.
Being as there are only 24 hours in every day and the Evil Empire is only prepared to pay for 8 of those how can anyone keep all the balls in the air? Even Senga says it's not possible and one of those balls is going to hit you on the head some day; just do your best to keep the others in the air.

Personally I thought balls were for chasing across parks and bringing back to your owner so they could throw them again but then I'm a dog and I live a simple life. Life you may recall is the operative word.
Even I, a mere dog, have a life!

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

• Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

Or in plain English, as Ted says,

What matters is what something is, not what it is called.

And so to today's rant which has been brought about by Ted's overexposure to colleagues who seriously need to get a life outside of The Evil Empire lest they spontaneously combust due to the amount of hot air they spew out whilst towing the party line.

Anyway, I digress, so on with the rant:

People please, sales are sales. Just admit that you are following the prime directive of the Evil Empire and want to sell every customer every product available regardless of need, requirement, or advisability.

Repeat after me;

"I am an Evil Empire "salesperson" and I want to sell you everything I can."
There you are now; don't you feel better for coming clean?

These people also need to figure out that Sunday is at the very least a day of rest to be shared with family and, should you choose, with God. Salivating over statistical sales reports on the Sabbath is bad bad bad and will impair your health!
Get a life, or better yet, get a dog and go to the park or the beac h. The dog will show you how to have fun, woof woof!

By the pricking of my thumbs,

• Shakespeare's MacBeth

Something wicked this way comes. [Knocking]
Open locks,
Whoever knocks!
[Enter Macbeth]
Macbeth:
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is't you do?

One has to wonder, Ted said on arriving home this evening, if it isn't a case of better the devil you know ...
It seems that Senga has announced her imminent departure from her role as Enforcer in the Evil Empire Emporium and she will be moving up to oversee several of the Evil Empires' Emporia whilst being based somewhere other than where Ted works. So she will still be there hovering in the background crying for sales, sales, and more sales but not perhaps crying directly into Ted's aural organs.
Oh well, just when Ted thought he was settling in and coping with the never ending demands of "the Empire", he is thrown a curve ball. Watch this space for developments in the continuing saga of:
[drum roll]

"The Evil Empire Emporium!"

starring
Ted as Ted
Buddy as Ted's buddy
Wee Jeanie as Ted's better half [strictly work related issues only:-)]
and a cast of thousands, well - many, say around 20.

The Enforcer is dead, long live the Enforcer.
(no sales people were injured in the making of this epic adventure.)

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

• Chic Murray joke

Ted needs a bit of humor in his life right now as he trashed a tire yesterday and it hasn't even done 5000 miles yet. If you ask me it serves him right for going out to visit Buddy and Bella without taking me - humph, woof. He said Bella went all around the truck looking for me but I was languishing at home, unaware that Ted had gone to visit them, and so I was unable to warn Ted of the dangers of running over deer antlers. Cos I would have seen them and barked a warning!
Oh deary deary me, if you'll pardon the pun:

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle

• Chic Murray joke

This morning I had to get Ted up early to go meet Buddy and Bella at the ballpark because it's Buddy's Saturday to work at the Evil Empire Emporium and so we needed to start early to let him get back home with Bella before going to work.
Here is a picture of the moon over the ballpark; if you squint at it you might just be able to make out Bella and me crashing into Buddy under the moon.
The grass was wet, not quite the "poodle" of the joke, but wet enough to get me soaked as Bella pushed me around as usual. I got rolled in the red clay again and so much stuck to me, because I was wet, that I went home the same color as Bella again!
Ted gave me a cold shower in the backyard when we got home; he said I'm a bird dog and should not have a problem with cold water but you know that's easy for him to say. He went inside and had a hot shower!

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

• Chic Murray joke

Something you should probably know about Ted is that when he tells me these jokes so I can type my daily blog entry he does so "in the style of Chic Murray." Now I'm a four year old dog, I'm of French lineage not Scottish, and I'd never heard of Chic Murray before Ted started telling his jokes so what would I know?
However Ted tells me that his impersonation is quite authentic and who am I to argue. The point here is that many of you folks out there in cyberspace may not understand that these "lines" are funny - and you might be right except for the delivery which makes the picture complete.
Sadly you are denied the delight of experiencing Ted in Chic Murray mode and that is either your loss or a great blessing - you decide:-)

You will have gathered that it is Friday evening again and Ted is once more in frivolous mood:-)

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

• Chic Murray joke

Today Ted has been in Victoria on a training course. Here is a pretty picture taken from the lofty heights of his employer's building showing a view of Victoria containing, containing what Ted? Really, you humans are hopeless at times, if I took a picture of something I think I would know what it was -woof!

Anyway, as I was saying, Ted went to Victoria today as did his good friend Wee Jeanie. Throughout their basic training it was a standing joke that these two live within a stones throw of each other but Wee Jeanie would arrive in Victoria 15 minutes before Ted - every time. How is this possible I hear you ask. Well it's quite simple really, Wee Jeanie told Ted which was the best route to the training center but Ted, as is his wont, decided that his way was better. However, today, they travelled together in Wee Jeanie's truck and she showed Ted the error of his ways. Give him his due, when a woman in his life presents irrefutable evidence of his stupidity, stubbornness, or downright cussedness, Ted does tend to admit he was wrong and golly gosh today was one of those occasions - Mrs Ted is very familiar with this type of situation!
Just to prove the point here is another picture from which you can see two things; first, Wee Jeanie wasn't driving much faster than Ted and second, she drives the same type of truck as Ted.
Another advantage of this arrangement was that they got to spend a couple of hours together shooting the breeze on the way out and analyzing the day's activity on the way back. Without going into any great detail they have concluded that the day was interesting and worthwhile, they like each others company, and some people need to either get a life or some serious counseling about their priorities.
And yes, Wee Jeanie did do the journey in the standard 15 minutes less that Ted.

"All-righty then"

• Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

It's Spring Break and the beaches are full of young people - "having fun". Sadly that means the beach is not a good place to take an excitable chap like me, Johnson, dog raconteur.
Ted did not go in to the Evil Empire Emporium today; he's on holiday. He said it was his turn to look after the kids and he was going to take us all on an adventure. (Me too)
Alas it was not to be as Little Ted threw up in the kitchen after breakfast and Ted spent the rest of the morning scrubbing and cleaning. No doubt Mrs Ted will do it all again when she comes home but it looks fine to me and Ted!

So Little Ted has been curled up in his sleeping bag on the sofa watching Scooby Doo all day and Eddy has been very good at not annoying her brother or her father and has been honing her Wii skills.
Ted does not approve of the Wii but he is outnumbered 4 to 1 here because Mrs Ted, Eddy, and Little Ted love it and I get all excited when they are waving their arms about and jumping off the coffee table whilst watching the big black rectangle on the wall. Seems like a lot of fun to me although I don't actually understand what they are doing.

For lunch Ted made himself a big bacon and cheese omelette, I got a bowl of Nutro small bites lamb and rice, Eddy ate one, or maybe two, spaghetti hoops, and Little Ted scarfed down a whole plateful of spaghetti hoops and drank some fizzy orangey stuff that Mrs Ted told Ted to give to him. So far everyone still has their lunch inside their tummies rather than displaying it on the kitchen floor.

BTW the more observant of you will have noted that, by request of a reader, I have gone back and entered the name of the movie from which each title is taken. Well, I've done 25 of them so far and I'll get around to the rest of them sometime but my paws are sore from typing so it likely won't be today! Anyway if I use movie quotes as titles in future entries I'll be putting the movie name on there so that you won't have to rack your brains or Google for the source:-)

See, dogs can smile too:-)

ps
There are whale noises coming from the family room which indicates to me that Little Ted has now recovered from his illness and has returned to his "old" 5 year old self! (He does a very good talking whale)

"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart."

• The Diary of Anne Frank

That's what Ted says but then he choses his friends carefully. Others may be of dubious character or their opinions may change with the direction of the wind or even depending on the day of the week. Those people do not appeal to Ted and so he does not take them to lunch.

It occurs to me that Ted is spending too much of his time enjoying lunch with his lady friends and he should come home more often to take me, his faithful companion, out for walks!

By the way, at the weekend, Buddy and Bella came to visit and helped us to put our tethered ball into a concrete base so now the little Teds have a new toy and I can run around and around the pole chasing this bright yellow ball which seems to have a mind of its' own!

"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

• Dirty Harry

... and the answer according to Ted is that he increasingly does not feel lucky.
Senga keeps pointing her equivalent of a 44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, at his head and telling him to keep his hours to 40 per week, keep up to date, AND have dozens of sales every day.
Someone, in this equation, is missing an essential point; i.e. there is a finite amount of time in each day AND there is also a finite limit to the number of sales possible in small town America. Even if Corporate America dictates that you should have X number of sales per day it may just not be sodding well possible!
Ah well, Ted feels so much better for telling this to me and knowing that I will share it with the 2 people who regularly read my blog:-)

From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned whale.

• Moby Dick

Woof, woof, yip, yip, grr, grr, I'll fight you to the death Mr Whale.
No one invades my back yard on my watch!

I realize how difficult it's going to be in this god-forsaken place where you can't find what you need, but there's the challenge.

• Bridge on the River Kwai

And here, on the Harbor Bridge in Corpus Christi, is where Ted was unable to take me today. I must say when I looked at all his photographs over on TartanTed I was really very grateful that he left me safely in the house. I think I might have slipped through the cracks in the roadway if I'd gone with him!
Ted said it wasn't as high as he thought it would be but the pathway was really only designed as an emergency escape route, not a pedestrian walkway, so when the 18 wheelers went flying by it was quite scary. Some of them even honked their horns as they passed which, strangely enough, did not alarm Ted at all because it was a fairly insignificant addition to the general noise level of the passing vehicles.
Anyway that is how Ted and his mother in law spent their Saturday morning - walking over the Harbor Bridge.

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

• Wizard of Oz

This week Ted's truck had to go to the shop to have the oil changed for the first time so he and Mrs Ted dropped it off one night and Ted arranged with Buddy to take him to collect it the next evening.
On the way to collect the truck Ted's phone rang twice. First it was one of his customers who wanted to know if he was ready to leave the Evil Empire and come work for her. Very flattering but not practical as she can't offer the same health benefits. Ted says he will find a way to help her without giving up his beloved job at the EEE.
Next it was Mrs Ted calling to tell Ted that he was on his own for dinner as she and the kids were going to the church and wouldn't be back until 8pm.
Mrs Buddy also had other plans and so Ted and Buddy got to go to dinner at a local restaurant on their way home. Here are pictures to prove it.

This - leaving me at home on a Saturday - thing is getting to be a habit with Ted. After our morning romp with Bella he told me that the family was going somewhere I could not come! What a cheek, surely I should be able to go everywhere with my family, I'm such a well behaved dog. And, AND Ted wouldn't tell me where they are going! He said I'd have to wait until they get back at lunchtime and then he would tell me so I can write about it. I've a good mind to let him write it himself - humph, woof.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

• Animal Crackers
  

Friday again and Ted is in good humor because he does not need to go into the Evil Empire Emporium tomorrow.
Instead he and I will meet up with Buddy and Bella at the ball park again and have lots of fun fetching a tennis ball.
I think I've just about got Buddy and Ted trained to fetch the ball now. They have been very obstinate and difficult to train; both of them seemed to think that I should fetch their ball for them but really, if they keep hitting it to the other side of the ball park, they need to realize it is their responsibility to fetch it back!

With any luck Ted will take me to the Donut Palace again for breakfast when we finish at the park. They do yummy pigs in blankets; I like the pig bit, don't much care for the blanket bit but I'll eat anything I'm offered. Well I am a dog you know!

And our bodies are earth. And our thoughts are clay. And we sleep and eat with death

• All Quiet on the Western Front
  

And life at the Evil Empire Emporium does sometimes seem to resemble life in the trenches of World War I

[Just before anyone gets offended please remember that I am only a dog, of French extraction, and in no way wish to detract from the sacrifices made by millions of soldiers on both sides of the conflict which came to be known as "The Great War" or the war to end all wars.]

This is merely a light hearted blog, written by a dog, and reflecting the, sometimes dry and sometimes wicked, sense of humor which I share with my owner.

So, over the top we go to the stirring sound of bagpipes, onwards to certain death, or at least to rejection of our sales overtures.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

• Airplane
  

Unlike the movie from which the quote is taken, where lots of stuff was happening, not much is going on at the Evil Empire Emporium today.
Consequently the pressure is on to be proactive in obtaining sales. Let's all call around the town and see who we can tick off by offering them stuff they don't want!

Ted, on the other hand has a cunning plan, he has called one of his friendly customers and asked her to lunch. What a splendid idea; Ted gets to record a customer appointment, have pleasant company for lunch, and get out of the Evil Empire Emporium for an hour (at least) without feeling guilty. You never know, he may even get some business out if it too!

Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put into this world to rise above.

• The African Queen

Ah yes, but let us not condemn Ted for participating in the one truly good contribution to society which the French have made. Even I, with my French ancestry, have to admit that as a race the French leave something to be desired. Thank goodness for their major saving grace - wine.
And if Ted, after another horrendous day putting up with the pretentious pomposity of the Evil Empire's sales pitch, wishes to indulge in a little French wine therapy, who am I to object?

On the other hand:
"Le travail éloigne de nous trois grands maux: l'ennui, le vice et le besoin."
Voltaire.
Maybe the Evil Empire has a positive side to it?

A man takes a drop too much once in a while, it's only human nature.

• The African Queen
  

Judging by the title of this post I imagine that Ted is still thinking about the Oysterfest and what he missed by not paying the $3 to get into the beer and food tent. This year, he told me, was for the kids; next year will be for Ted and Mrs Ted. Maybe they will be able to imbibe more of the carnival atmosphere as well as some of the beer and oysters if they play their cards right.
Unfortunately they are not allowed to take me to the festival; the police department was patrolling the entrance and denying entry to anyone with a dog! They were also scanning the people leaving the site and asking if they had any open containers of alcohol. Thank goodness our tax dollars are being put to good use. Yes, "our" tax dollars; the city gets taxes on my Nutro small bites too you know!

Give me a whisky, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby

• Anna Christie
  

Actually Ted tells me it was more a beer thing yesterday at the Oysterfest.
Beer and oysters, maybe some shrimp too.
The really incongruous thing about this "local festival" is that oysters from the local bays were deemed uneatable at the last minute and fresh oysters had to be imported from Louisiana to satisfy demand during the festival.
Thank goodness I can rely on my Nutro small bites to be eatable any time I can stuff my nose into my bowl!

So, yesterday I promised you more photos of me and my friend Bella, I've tried to upload them but Blogger just keeps giving me a "Server error".
Lucky for me Ted has somewhere else I can upload my pictures so if y'all just want to pop over to TartanTed you can see Bella and me at the park this morning.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

• Casablanca
  

Yesterday was very quiet at the Evil Empire Emporium and that enabled Ted and Wee Jeanie to sneak out together at lunch time, something normally unheard of - 2 people at lunch at the same time - shock horror!
Anyway they snuck off to a local Mexican restaurant and had a quick half hour lunch together - very civilized and probably not to be repeated in the foreseeable future. Afterwards Ted came home and took me for a long walk and so he had an extended lunch. Just as well Senga was away somewhere or she would no doubt have disapproved of lunch and dog walking!

Today I got to romp with Bella again in the early morning but for the rest of the day I was left at home 'cos everyone went to the Fulton Oysterfest parade and that would have been too hot and bothersome for me to attend. The kids were on floats in the parade and then, after lunch, went to the Oysterfest fair or carnival, whatever it's called. Anyway they had a great time going on all the rides and eating loads of cotton candy. You can see the pictures on Tartan Ted. You can also see pictures of me and Bella on the same web site. I'm going to meet my friend Bella again tomorrow morning so maybe there will be even more pictures of us then.

The dingo took my baby!

• A Cry in the Dark
  

... or, as they used to say in Ted's alternative life last century on that other continent,
"I was on holiday that day"
Anything but accept responsibility for your own actions!

Some people are just like that and no matter how you approach them they will be defensive, awkward, unhelpful, and objectionable.
If you are working in customer service and recognize yourself please step forward and preferably keep going out the door and get yourself a job somewhere your miserable face won't upset so many innocent souls who are just trying to go about their business in a normal polite environment!

That's more of a Grrrr, Grrrrr than a woof, woof. I guess someone must have upset Ted today, I think we'll let sleeping dogs (bears) lie on this one rather than pursue the matter further.

Let's just concentrate on the fact that it's Friday evening and the clock has stopped again. Monday will be a new week and maybe the start of a new attitude in customer service.
(Watch for the pigs flying past your window at the same time!)

Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'

• Casablanca
  

One has to have some happy distracted time away from the Evil Empire and tonight Ted and I have covered our blind eyes and declared "we see no ships"

So woof woof, for no better reason than this dog loves Casablanca, here are the lyrics to:
"As time goes by"

(And don't try to analyze what this has to do with Admiral Nelson 'cos it's just the muddled thoughts of a dog, and a French one at that, so there is no connection!)

"This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension
Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension
And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by
And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by
Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny
Well, it's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by
Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by"

For the avoidance of doubt ...

• not a film quote
  

... let it hereby be know that Ted, owner and feeder of me - Dr Johnson, writes this blog in an extremely tongue in cheek fashion giving scant regard to the realities of life. Please do not take anything written here as the gospel truth.
Bacon, bacon, bacon is a parody of a British TV advert for dog treats and in no way implies that I am actually fed piggy bacon by Ted. Similarly the content of the blog entries concerning the Evil Empire are no more directly related to their titles than smoke in the wind.
So, Dear Anonymous who left the comment on Wednesday's entry, please be assured that I am fed exclusively on Nutro Natural Choice Lamb Small Bites as recommended by the American Brittany Rescue Organization.

"Houston, we have a problem."

• Apollo 13
  

How can one sustain high volume sales day after day in a small town environment with a finite number of customers and product requirements?
I keep telling you - I am only a dog so how should I know?
You humans are the crazy ones that think you know it all!
How can you prevent the Evil Empire Emporium from crashing and burning? Or do you even want to try to save it from this existentially exquisite end?

Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns!

• The Breakfast Club
  

This would seem like good advice for any young man or dog. In the case of Ted, "the bull" in question is pretty much the company line - which is: a load of bull.
Still an' all Ted made a few sales today on a day devoid of passing trade and so remains in favor until the next time his sales do not come up to the delusionally high expectations of the Evil Empire.
Ted lives to fight another day but tomorrow he has another appointment with:
"The Dentist" (Is it safe?)

"It's showtime!"

• All that Jazz
  

The first Monday of the month and everybody wants to buy stuff. Or at least that's what Senga was trying to tell Ted, Buddy, Wee Jeanie and the other folks down at the Evil Empire Emporium this morning.
Turns out it was quite a good day for sales but really who, in their right mind, can get excited at all this guff?

Does your dog bite?

• The Pink Panther Strikes Again

Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

Moral: Be specific in what you ask!
That's Dr Johnson's advice to all you humans out there.
Here's a picture of me relaxing after my early Sunday morning romp with my friend Bella. I think I managed to tire her out today but even when we were lying down exhausted she still kept nuzzling my neck; don't you women ever stop? Thank goodness Ted took me home, gave me a bath, and then let me collapse in a heap on the spare couch.

Grillin' grillin' grillin

Keep them dogies movin, Rawhide
Hah Hah,

Maybe Ted will give me one of those juicy steaks; he can keep that green and yellow stuff but I can smell the steak.

Steak, steak, steak, oh what an even happier dog I am than when we had the bacon, bacon, bacon!