This is no time for Schopenhauer. This is important.

• Antonia's Line

Guess what I ate in the middle of the night when I got let out for a pee? I must admit that I'm very pleased with myself for supplementing my diet so efficiently. I'm not saying whether I actually managed to catch this item of food for myself or if I just came along at the right time to act like a "carrion bird" dog; that is going to be my secret. Nevertheless I did eat the tasty morsel and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

We're not athletes, we're baseball players!

• Mr Baseball

Saturday morning at the "clandestine dog park"; Dr Johnson and Bella are joined by two friends from Houston.
In this picture from left to right we have:

• Dr Johnson - taking it easy
• Kima the devil dog - trying to eat the fence
• Laid back Bella - doing what Bella does (not a lot)
• Floyd (Pretty Boy) - posing for the camera

In the background is "Evil Aunt Edith" who delights is leading Ted's children into mischief:-)

One has to ask some very strange things in the job I have.

• The Great Escape

Hello there faithful fans of my fabulous feverish fantasies; sorry to have missed so many days blogging and got some of you a tad worried. Never fear Dr Johnson is here again and will endeavor to keep posting in spite of anything life can throw at him, me, whatever.
Last week Eddy had a friend visiting and they didn't close the front door properly. Ever vigilant for the chance of adventure I snuck out before anyone noticed the open door and went to explore the neighborhood. Ted spotted the door quite quickly and came after me but I had my freedom and was quite decided on exploration so I just ignored him. I got as far as the drainage ditch and thought I'd just mark my new territory with a little pee but I hadn't been for a while so it took a long time and I'm afraid that allowed Ted to catch up with me and put me back on the leash. Rats! Sweet freedom was short lived but much enjoyed. Ted said it's just as well we live in a quiet sub division rather than on the highway or I might have been flattened by an 18 wheeler.
Which brings me to the title of this blog entry; what is an 18 wheeler and should I care?

Leon, what exactly do you do for a living? - Cleaner

• Leon

Ya know, Ted and Mrs Ted may have bitten off more than they can chew this evening. I mean to say look at the worried look in my eye, and I'm no scaredy cat!
Eddy and Little Ted were at "parents night out" at the Church this evening and they have gone to stay with their grandparents tonight. This is something which happens maybe once a month and makes everyone concerned happy, although I do worry that I'm not with the little Teds to look after them on these occasions.
Anyway I digress, the point is that, in their absence the senior Teds have cleaned the junior Teds rooms and packed a whole lot of stuff off to the local charity shop and I anticipate a deal of weeping and wailing when they return in the morning and discover that their rooms are clean, tidy, and devoid of a good proportion of their "previous" belongings!
Ted has been telling Eddy for ages that the "I can't see your carpet" fairy would come and remove some of the debris from her room - maybe she will believe him now woof, woof.

Off you go, you small boys.

• Gregory's Girl

Eddy and Little Ted pose on the bird observation deck near the skimmer nesting site at Rockport beach. Little Ted is holding up his toy snake and Eddy, well, she's just being Eddy.
I am, once again, forced to remain in the truck because Ted says I'll just chase the birds and that would be a bad thing. Personally I thought chasing birds was what I was supposed to be doing but you humans just don't seem to be able to make your minds up. After all birds are birds aren't they? Woof, woof.

No School, No Chores, No Clothes! It's Great Being A Dog!

• Dog's Life (2003)

Ah yes, this is the life. Last night I plunged into the pool whilst chasing a butterfly, today I charged around the yard chasing a whistling duck. Woof, woof life is indeed good!

I warn you, do not make me do something that I would not do, unless someone made me do it

• Why Me? (1990)

Oh, what the heck, I see a butterfly and I'm woofing well going to chase it!
Oops, I fell in the swimming pool - well I guess Ted will want to wash me with the garden hose since I'm covered in green algae.
As regular readers will know I, Dr Johnson the wonder dog, can climb ladders to get out of the water so it will come as no surprise to all y'all that I can get in and out of an above ground swimming pool with ease as well.
Note to Ted:
get the pool ready for summer! The kids don't want to swim in green water.
And let's not forget that I don't care what I swim in and you let me live inside the house with ya'll, woof, woof!

I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this

• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Ted is not in a good mood tonight; I'm not too sure if this blog title refers to the "Evil Empire" or to his home life both of which appear to be causing him some concern at the moment.
At work he spent the entire day dealing with customer service issues which in itself is ok, but when combined with a net zero - that is absolutely zip in the way of sales, and the fact that it included dealing with no less than two certifiable lunatics during the day makes for an unhappy Ted.
Not only that but Mrs Ted is giving him a hard time over junior Ted discipline issues.
Oh well, we're just guys, what would we know?
Just as well the advice is to STOP before jumping from the ramparts, woof.

Hello everybody, Eddy here ...

Dr Johnson didn't really eat me or savage my stuffed tiger toy. He has his own stuffed toys to chew on and he is a real sweetie and wouldn't hurt me for anything. In fact he is very protective of me and Little Ted and we feel very safe having him around - even if he does stand on my toes and knock me over occasionally!

He's got to at least *pretend* to work with these people. You must convince him.

• The Sound of Music

The hills may be alive with the sound of music but Ted lives at the beach and sees no hills and hears no music. Instead he is bombarded with the constantly escalating nonsense of the Evil Empire and struggles to remain sane in the face of its' foolishness.
Today everybody got more than the required number of sales and the "motivational" board displaying the days' results ran off the page. Management is oh so pleased. Unfortunately that just means that they will expect every day to bring the same level of success. Even I, a mere dog, understand that if you eat all your dog food on Friday night there won't be any in the bowl on Saturday morning!
Of more pressing importance today to the Ted clan is the sad condition of Little Ted. He fell asleep at school and couldn't be woken up so they called Mrs Ted to take him off their hands. He was running a fever and we suspect he has at last succumbed to the same bug his sister had last week. He was given anti biotic followed by the nebulizer and went to sleep in his mommy's bed. The fever has subsided and we think we've caught it in time.

What do ya think? Am I close?

• Thursday

Woof, woof yes, I ate the little girl and savaged her stuffed toy tiger!
I couldn't swallow the second shoe tho' that was just a bite too far

I'm not frightened. I'm a little terrified, maybe.

• Shallow Grave

I'm not sure whether to be happy or terrified; these two put on a bit of a show for their grandmother this afternoon when they found a dead squirrel in her yard.
Eddy is crying for the poor dead creature but at the same time is holding a shovel and is ready to dig a grave; who knows what Little Ted's expression means. Prior to the actual burial he was caught "helping" the dead squirrel climb a tree!
I also heard him talking about "when the dog dies"
Yip, yip, yip - do I need to get out of here?

There goes my gun. Run out and get that like a good girl.

• Duck Soup

Ducks, ducks, I saw ducks!
Let me go, let me go, I can catch them, yes I can - let me go after them.
Ooh, ooh, all it would take would be a plunge into the pond and then I could swim after those pesky birds; I'd be on them before they could fly away and then we could have roast duck for dinner.

Let me, let me, let me!
Woof, woof, yip, yip!

When all you care about is here, this is a good place to be.

• South Pacific

" Younger than springtime am I" is not a phrase which Ted can realistically apply to himself these days although as I am a mere 4 years old it could apply to me - and this is my blog woof, woof!

This evening Ted and Mrs Ted got to go out to dinner and I was left to look after Eddy, Little Ted, and Mrs Ted's mother. All three of them behaved very well and gave me no trouble at all.

The restaurant chosen for this impromptu outing was Trout Street Bar & Grill in Port Aransas and a jolly good choice it was as the Teds had an excellent meal and even brought some home for me.

Good lord. Are you going to kill me?

• The Scorpion King

Yelp, woof!
I found this little pest wandering about the kids bathroom this morning and he had the cheek to try and sting me on the nose. I went and got Ted who put the pesky thing in a jar and got rid of it!
I expect it climbed up the sink drain pipe, out onto the sink top, and then dropped to the floor where I apprehended it - woof, woof.

Yep, almost midnight. Let the screaming begin

• ER

Woof, woof, it's Thursday night and everyone is in a tizzy; I give up, I'm going to go to sleep 'cos no-one has any time for me tonight. I got a quick run around the block and did get to chase some Mexican whistling ducks but then we had to come home to see how poor little Eddy was getting on with her nebulizer.
Eddy had a fever which recurred and so Mrs Ted carted her off to the doctor this morning and she was diagnosed with Walking Pneumonia.
She is on anti-biotic, puffs on the nebulizer four times a day, and has to get lots of rest which is very difficult for her as she feels just fine!
Ted has taken Friday off to look after her and to take Little Ted to the doctor to be checked out 'cos Eddy is infectious - She always did have an infectious laugh but this is a tad more serious.

Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!

• Bubba Ho-tep

It's Wednesday so it must be boys night out again.
This week the Evil Empire had threatened to interfere with "the boys" after hours arrangements by having an evening "compliance" meeting which would conclude - when? Here is an interesting take on compliance for those who profess to care.
Anyway in the end it didn't happen so Ted was able to collect Little Ted from school, rush home to let me out for a pee, take Little Ted to the barber, and then collect Buddy from his home en route to Corpus Christi where they had planned their night out.
First they went to the Sprint store to collect Buddy's cellphone which had been left with the techie guys to fix a small problem; then they went to the Texas Roadhouse for a steak dinner; then Little Ted thought they were going to shoot some pool but actually that was just a joke of Buddy's and he didn't realize that Little Ted hears everything and repeats most of what he does hear. (Note to parents of small children - only say, in hearing of your children, that which you would be content to hear repeated loudly in public by said children!)

There is always a bigger fish

• Japan

I had to wait a long time for Ted to come home tonight; he phoned Mrs Ted with some excuse about heading for the Harbor bridge because the Evil Empire had become even more unreasonable than ever before. He doesn't like to bother me with details but it seems pretty obvious to me, a dog, that Ted is in the wrong job. Maybe he is in the wrong country since Mrs Ted keeps telling him that all of corporate America is the same. It would be sad to think that was true since it would mean that every Company in the States is staffed by headbangers who don't give a toss about their customer base. Surely that can't be the case?

Happily for all concerned Ted's obsession with the Harbor Bridge was satisfied some weeks ago by walking over it . Instead, this evening, he set off to Fulton in search of Sushi and found this restaurant which opens officially on May 8th but was happy to provide Ted with take out this evening.
Little Ted wanted to try sushi and was given a piece to eat but being 5 years old he squeezed it in his hand and it popped onto the floor - guess who got to eat sushi tonight, woof, woof! So both Ted and I can recommend the sushi to be had in Fulton, Texas.

Now I've asked you forty different ways and it's time you come up with a fresh answer.

• Walk the Line

Life at the Evil Empire Emporium is just as unreasonable as ever. Ted tells me that today there was a "motivational" meeting where the bottom line message was - sell more stuff so the customers find it too inconvenient to leave even if they want to or else leave yourself. In other words - sales above all else, even staff retention or perhaps that is instead of staff retention.
Ted does not feel particularly valued as a corporate asset. Indeed he has bought another lottery ticket!
In the mean time the sales pitch continues:
"would you like to buy this product my computer says you declined last week; excuse me, you don't want to be asked again? Why not, damn it, just buy the thing or I'll get the sack!"

As you may have noticed from previous posts I am quite the water dog. Maybe I should encourage Ted to sell up, buy a big boat, and sail off into the sunset with me. He can bring Mrs Ted and the kids too 'cos I'm really very fond of them but I suspect that Mrs Ted would not wish to adopt a nautical lifestyle, which is a shame, although there is much to be said for it if you can avoid the modern day pirates who roam the Caribbean!

I like pigs. Dogs look up to you; cats look down on you; pigs treat you as equals.

• The Gathering Storm (Winston Churchill)

I got to visit with Buddy and Bella again this morning; yesterday was a washout. There has been a lot of thunderstorm activity over South Texas this weekend and yesterday Ted spoke to Buddy at 6:30am and they had to agree that our Saturday romp in the ball park would have to be called off as the storm was directly overhead at that time. However today we managed to meet up at 7:00am as usual and have a jolly good run together. Of course Bella chased me and rolled me in the clay again so when I got home Ted had to give me a shower and since it is nearly the start of a new month he gave me my anti flea treatment too. I'm not bothered by thunder and lightning storms; eat your heart out Jenna! In fact the squeals that the Ted children let out at each thunderclap frighten me more than the thunder itself!

I wasn't there personally but Ted tells me that just as he took the second picture here there was a tremendous crack as a bolt of lightning struck something nearby. He, and everybody else in the house, thought that it must have been something very close to home as it was so loud but thankfully they could find no signs of damage to anything. Mrs Ted said she could feel the static from the lightning and Ted nearly jumped out of his skin 'cos the noise occurred at exactly the same time he pressed the shutter for this picture.

Hi, Curly, kill anyone today?

• City Slickers

Eddy, Little Ted, and Ted went to the open day at my new vet today. They got to see all the fancy equipment she has and the operating table and X-ray machine and all that good stuff.
They also got to practice some teddy bear surgery. Here we see Eddy holding up the key which she successfully removed from Teddy's tummy having spoted it on the X-ray, cut open his tummy, and rummaged around inside to retrieve the offending article.
To be quite honest I hope that nice new vet performs any operations that I might need 'cos I'm just not too sure about Eddy and Little Ted's techniques!

I spy, with my lttle eye, something that starts with C

• Children of the Corn

I do not intend to imply that the children of Ted are evil in any way; keep in mind that this blog is a work of fiction, a fairy tale, a collection of random thoughts - definitely not to be taken over seriously. Besides which, I'm struggling to keep up the film quotes so cut me some slack here - I'm just a dog OK!

What you see on these plates is pretty much what got fed to the waste disposer unit after the Ted children had nibbled their half ounce of nourishment each. I thought it should have ended up on my plate but alas it was not to be. I don't like corn anyway but the meat smelled yummy. I must remember to pay more attention at dinnertime and put my bid in for the leftovers. I know Mrs Ted does not like me climbing onto the chairs and helping myself from the table but maybe if I gave her my sad brown eyed look she might GIVE me the leftovers. I'll give that a try tomorrow and let you know if it works.

Remember what the sheriff said: no more shootin' till the sun goes down

• Support your local Sheriff

Ted and Little Ted went out to visit Buddy again on Wednesday night - WITHOUT ME! They have been helping him set up his new computer with particular emphasis on synchronizing it with Buddy's new PDA cellphone thingy. They have almost succeeded in that everything, except outgoing email from the PDA, works. It's probably going to take another Wednesday night visit to fix that final problem but - "confidence is high" (War Games). HELLO; I would like to go too you know!
Anyway, Ted was telling me, they went to Dairy Queen for dinner and Little Ted had popcorn chicken. He was sitting there in the corner booth noisily eating his chicken and talking to his daddy when the local Sheriff and his wife came in.
Little Ted became quite quiet. As he sat down the Sheriff looked at Little Ted and said " don't I know you?"
Well Ted was wondering, he's only 5 years old and he's already known to the Sheriff, what is it going to be like when he's a teenager?
Needless to say Little Ted was only "known" from school and church. Nevertheless the rest of dinner was eaten somewhat quietly as Little Ted fixated on the Sheriff's gun.

If you build it, he will come

• Field of Dreams

Tonight, although the Evil Empire Emporium is under new management as of this date, Ted left early (4:30) - even before Wee Jeanie and Buddy - because he was taking Little Ted to a Corpus Christi Hooks baseball game.
As is probably typical of five year olds the corn dog and popcorn were of equal if not greater importance to Little Ted than the actual game. He did say he enjoyed himself but his ability to sit still and take in any of the game had come to an end after the 4th innings. BTW if the terminology used here is not 100% correct please forgive me as I'm just relaying the story as told to me by Ted, and let's face it - he's not from around here.
Anyway a good time was had by all even tho' they left early before the game (or as Ted would say "the match") was finished. Little kids do get tired and when they got home Ted had to carry them from the truck to their beds; perhaps the best indicator of a successful evenings entertainment!
And as it was Monday night everybody got a Hooks T-shirt, hotdog, and soda all for $5 each. What a bargain! Mind you, Ted didn't bring me a T-shirt; maybe they don't make them in dog sizes?

Life is pain. Get used to it.

• The Long Kiss Goodnight

Little Ted fell out of a tree tonight and hit his head.
Luckily he is quite a hard headed chap and so we did not need to visit the Emergency Room two weekends in a row!
Instead he milked the house for sympathy until everyone had commiserated with him and then, miraculously recovered, he asked for his dessert!

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

• Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Now here's a thing no-one suspected about me. Down at the pet relocation center they told me not to tell anyone about my past but I just can't suppress my basic instincts and this afternoon - it just happened.
You see, this duck - well, it flew past my nose and I without thinking I just jumped into the water and started to paddle after it. Of course it got away - no doubt because it can swim AND fly! I, on the other hand, can only do one of those things effectively and so the duck won.
Nevertheless I had a great time and Ted and Little Ted were greatly impressed with my ability to jump from dock to boat, swim above and below water, and finally - my piece de resistance, I can climb ladders to get out of the water - pretty nifty huh?
I needed a bath anyway 'cos this morning, as well as playing with Bella who soaks my ears with her drool, I also visited with Rocky the yellow Labrador and boy, can labradors produce saliva! I was soaking wet with drool after just a few minutes AND he kept stealing my tennis ball - what a nerve. Good fun tho'.

I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?

• Some like it hot

OK, so y'all take this blog way too seriously!
Misk is a girl dog; I knew that, but heh, the pose fit the quote didn't you think?
Now don't you go giving me a dirty look in that mirror Misk - poetic license an' all. I reserve the right to alter the names and or gender of the protagonists in this extended fairy tale to suit the current purpose of my blog. Details may be changed to protect the innocent- or not.
Woof, woof.

I do have a way with the ladies, Lexie! It's my burden!

• Monarch of the Glen

This is Misk, Jennas' new friend, he likes to go for long walks and seems to have boundless energy - a bit like myself. Jenna on the other hand has long since lost enthusiasm for long walks and much prefers to enjoy her journeys by pickup truck rather like Ted. What a pair; if only Ted had bought a pickup truck in Scotland Jenna would have discovered her passion for these vehicles much earlier.

It's like looking in a mirror. Only... not

• Face/Off

This is Ted's Scottish Golden Retriever. She was 10 years old when the Teds moved to Texas and they reluctantly left her behind as they did not think the journey or the change in climate would enhance her life expectancy. So here she is, now 12 years old, looking better than ever and living a life of pampered luxury with Karen who has known her all her life with the Teds.
Woof, woof Jenna you're a fine looking lady and I wish you were here in Texas living with me and your old family who miss you lots.

It's okay, honey. I... I was just talking to the cornfield.

• Field of Dreams

Ooh, ooh, I got to go,I got to go, I got to go to the ball game - woof,woof!
Ted wouldn't let me fetch the ball tho' but I'm not complaining 'cos I got to see Little Ted playing T-ball and lots of little kids came up to me and patted me on the head which I liked a lot.
I also got to have a Mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks to keep me cool.

This is my corn. You people are guests in my corn

• Field of Dreams

In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"

• ER

Ted came home for lunch today at 3.30pm and took me for a quick walk which was nice. He told me we would go cycling in Memorial Park this evening when he got off work at 6pm and hopefully it would be a bit cooler then for us to exercise. I was really looking forward to trotting alongside the bike again and when 6 o'clock came I was all expectant. Eddy and Little Ted were playing outside waiting for their Daddy to come home and I was inside patiently waiting too.
Unfortunately for all concerned Eddy, strictly against her Daddy's previous counsellings, had chosen to go climbing on to the roof of Monty Minivan and had then slid off the roof, down the windshield and landed on the garage floor with a big gash in her leg. All this happened seconds before Ted got home so when he came into the house he was faced with an "ER" situation on the family room floor. Mrs Ted was dabbing at the wound and Eddy had her arms outstreched calling for her Daddy. I had been shut in my crate after offering my opinion on what to do - humph woof - I sometimes think I'm not appreciated around here!
"So I guess we won't be cycling tonight?" I ventured to say to Ted between Eddy's sobs - and so it was, or wasn't to be. Instead everyone, except me, went off to North Bay Hospital in Aransas Pass to have Eddy's wound super glued together; so much less painful than stiches!
So once again I got left behind but as Ted said to me before leaving, it is 83F out there and we'll likely be at the hospital for hours. It wouldn't be very pleasant for me to be stuck in the truck in that sort of heat for an extended period; once again I had to appreciate the reason for being left behind.
My family didn't get home 'til 10pm but Ted did then take me for a long walk and reminded me that we will be meeting Buddy and Bella again tomorrow morning.

"Have you got a plan, my lord? "

• Blackadder II

"Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it."

Queen Elizabeth I was played by Miranda Richardson in this 1986 series and Ted tells me that he remembers the way she, Queen Elizabeth, got her way every time. If anyone did not agree with her she would let out a loud scream.
And what relevance does this delightful snippet of information have to the blog of a dog of vaguely French origins? Well the somewhat tenuous link for this evenings entry is that Eddy does that very same thing. When she wants her own way she lets out a petulant Miranda Richardson, in the role of Queen Elizabeth I in Blackadder II type scream and boy can I attest to the penetrating nature of her young lung power. We Brittanys have very sensitive ears you know and high pitched close quarter screaming makes us sit up and pay attention.

"I've had ti many martoonis"

• Boys' Night Out (1962)

Last night Ted asked Little Ted where he would like to have dinner before they went out to visit with Buddy and Bella. (Note that I was once again not invited!)
Little Ted said Charlotte Plummers and could they eat upstairs this time. Well, it turns out, when they arrived at the restaurant Little Ted said it was the wrong one; he had meant the Mexican restaurant on Hwy 35 N which has an upstairs area which he had been denied access to the last time the family ate there.
Oh well we're here now said Ted and in they went to have fried shrimp before heading off to visit with their friends.

"Well this is a love story; you've got fire and you've got food."

• Barbecue:A Texas Love Story (2004)

"If you want to be marked as an outsider just come to Texas and say that you don't like barbecue!"
What can I say, I am sitting patiently waiting for the meat to come off the grill, it's not strictly speaking BBQ but it is yummy big steaks which I saw Ted put on the grill and I fully intend to get my fair share of them when they are cooked.
Little Ted and Eddy seldom eat all the food they are served and tonight I'm likely to luck out seriously!
And get a load of those pretty buttercups in the grass behind me. Don't you just love Texas?

Greetings, Comrades! I bring you hot water bottles!

• Gorky Park

The quote is from Rikki Fulton's character, KGB Major Pribluda; Rikki Fulton is better known to Ted as the Rev I M Jolly from his British TV comedy show.
The Rev I M Jolly was anything but jolly, he was the epitome of the half empty glass character - nothing was "jolly" but everything was funny.
And where am I going with this - nowhere 'cos I'm just a dog and I've been outside chasing squirrels and now I'm too tired to blog anything sensible. Even Ted has nothing to complain about from his 8 hours of toil and tribulation at the Evil Empire today. He even came home at lunchtime to give me a long walk; of course I didn't know then that it was because no-one was coming home at 5 o'clock 'cos they all went to Little Ted's T-ball practice. Oh well, I guess they don't want me there 'cos I'd just steal the ball and run away with it!

And so "Goodbye, pretty lady" [Professor Andreev - Gorky Park]

The last time you left me a pistol with one shot

• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Here I am playing with Little Ted's flintlock pistol; unfortunately it was only made of plastic and I kind of crunched it up and broke it. But I had lots of fun running around the yard pretending to be a pirate before that happened. Little Ted thought it was fun too as he chased me. He didn't seem to mind when I broke his gun; he said Ted would get him another one from Walmart. (That's not what I heard Ted say but let's not disillusion a young pirate and maybe he'll forget all about it.)

"Mama says, 'Stupid is as stupid does'."

• Forrest Gump

Well, Ted took me to the ball park at 7 this morning for what might have been my last romp with Bella. She is moving away; Buddy has tried his best to block every hole in his yard fence but she is the Houdini of Hungarian Viszlas and he is worried she will get lost while he is at work so he is trying to find her a new home with someone who can be with her all day.

Afterwards Ted took me to the Evil Empire where he had an appointment to meet one of his customers who could not come in through the week to see him. I stayed in the truck which was OK 'cos it was quite cool this morning but I'd still rather have gone inside with Ted. Anyway, the point is, Ted says he ain't doin' that again 'cos once his appointment people had left lots of other folks were waiting for the other guy who was really working Saturday but they all thought Ted should be seeing them. Oh boy did he feel guilty leaving but if he hadn't he would have missed Little Ted's first ball game and Mrs Ted would have killed him!
Hence the title.

Why are they doing this? They said when you got here, the whole thing started. Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from?

• The Birds

Ted was watching this 1963 Alfred Hitchcock movie on TV the other night and so found it a tad spooky when he stopped to collect the mail tonight and saw a whole bunch of birds sitting in the surrounding trees making loud squawky noises - just like in the movie!

On the other hand, he thought, maybe it's not the Evil Empire that's evil - maybe it's Ted - ha , ha, ha!
Here is where Ted came from and jolly glad to be in a warmer climate is he.
Mind you, to the eyes of a South Texas bird dog, that white stuff looks like fun to frolic in. Does anyone know what it is? What does it taste like? And can I take it home to my crate?

To the west, there is nothing. Except America

• Whisky Galore

and, well, Ted is already there - in America.
It's just a shame that these whiskys didn't come with him!
Sometimes he feels he could do with a good shot of Scotch to get over the frustrations of his day.

I want to break free

• Queen

Woof, woof

I want to break free)
(I want to break free)
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I want to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

Victoria Victorious

• by Jean Plaidy

Ted tells me this is the story of Queen Victoria; and what has this to do with my ongoing stories?
It has as much to do with the dog raconteur's ramblings as apple pie has to do with the price of fish unless you count the predominance of women involved in management at the Evil Empire. Perhaps Ted now works for the British Empire's replacement offspring "Evil".
Anyway, Ted has returned from another day's training grateful for the calming influence of Wee Jeanie during the journey home. Without her intervention Ted would probably have spent the journey home, 60 whole minutes, screaming "Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

These flowers are out of focus because they were blowing in the wind - think about it.