Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!

• Bubba Ho-tep

It's Wednesday so it must be boys night out again.
This week the Evil Empire had threatened to interfere with "the boys" after hours arrangements by having an evening "compliance" meeting which would conclude - when? Here is an interesting take on compliance for those who profess to care.
Anyway in the end it didn't happen so Ted was able to collect Little Ted from school, rush home to let me out for a pee, take Little Ted to the barber, and then collect Buddy from his home en route to Corpus Christi where they had planned their night out.
First they went to the Sprint store to collect Buddy's cellphone which had been left with the techie guys to fix a small problem; then they went to the Texas Roadhouse for a steak dinner; then Little Ted thought they were going to shoot some pool but actually that was just a joke of Buddy's and he didn't realize that Little Ted hears everything and repeats most of what he does hear. (Note to parents of small children - only say, in hearing of your children, that which you would be content to hear repeated loudly in public by said children!)

There is always a bigger fish

• Japan

I had to wait a long time for Ted to come home tonight; he phoned Mrs Ted with some excuse about heading for the Harbor bridge because the Evil Empire had become even more unreasonable than ever before. He doesn't like to bother me with details but it seems pretty obvious to me, a dog, that Ted is in the wrong job. Maybe he is in the wrong country since Mrs Ted keeps telling him that all of corporate America is the same. It would be sad to think that was true since it would mean that every Company in the States is staffed by headbangers who don't give a toss about their customer base. Surely that can't be the case?

Happily for all concerned Ted's obsession with the Harbor Bridge was satisfied some weeks ago by walking over it . Instead, this evening, he set off to Fulton in search of Sushi and found this restaurant which opens officially on May 8th but was happy to provide Ted with take out this evening.
Little Ted wanted to try sushi and was given a piece to eat but being 5 years old he squeezed it in his hand and it popped onto the floor - guess who got to eat sushi tonight, woof, woof! So both Ted and I can recommend the sushi to be had in Fulton, Texas.

Now I've asked you forty different ways and it's time you come up with a fresh answer.

• Walk the Line

Life at the Evil Empire Emporium is just as unreasonable as ever. Ted tells me that today there was a "motivational" meeting where the bottom line message was - sell more stuff so the customers find it too inconvenient to leave even if they want to or else leave yourself. In other words - sales above all else, even staff retention or perhaps that is instead of staff retention.
Ted does not feel particularly valued as a corporate asset. Indeed he has bought another lottery ticket!
In the mean time the sales pitch continues:
"would you like to buy this product my computer says you declined last week; excuse me, you don't want to be asked again? Why not, damn it, just buy the thing or I'll get the sack!"

As you may have noticed from previous posts I am quite the water dog. Maybe I should encourage Ted to sell up, buy a big boat, and sail off into the sunset with me. He can bring Mrs Ted and the kids too 'cos I'm really very fond of them but I suspect that Mrs Ted would not wish to adopt a nautical lifestyle, which is a shame, although there is much to be said for it if you can avoid the modern day pirates who roam the Caribbean!

I like pigs. Dogs look up to you; cats look down on you; pigs treat you as equals.

• The Gathering Storm (Winston Churchill)

I got to visit with Buddy and Bella again this morning; yesterday was a washout. There has been a lot of thunderstorm activity over South Texas this weekend and yesterday Ted spoke to Buddy at 6:30am and they had to agree that our Saturday romp in the ball park would have to be called off as the storm was directly overhead at that time. However today we managed to meet up at 7:00am as usual and have a jolly good run together. Of course Bella chased me and rolled me in the clay again so when I got home Ted had to give me a shower and since it is nearly the start of a new month he gave me my anti flea treatment too. I'm not bothered by thunder and lightning storms; eat your heart out Jenna! In fact the squeals that the Ted children let out at each thunderclap frighten me more than the thunder itself!

I wasn't there personally but Ted tells me that just as he took the second picture here there was a tremendous crack as a bolt of lightning struck something nearby. He, and everybody else in the house, thought that it must have been something very close to home as it was so loud but thankfully they could find no signs of damage to anything. Mrs Ted said she could feel the static from the lightning and Ted nearly jumped out of his skin 'cos the noise occurred at exactly the same time he pressed the shutter for this picture.

Hi, Curly, kill anyone today?

• City Slickers

Eddy, Little Ted, and Ted went to the open day at my new vet today. They got to see all the fancy equipment she has and the operating table and X-ray machine and all that good stuff.
They also got to practice some teddy bear surgery. Here we see Eddy holding up the key which she successfully removed from Teddy's tummy having spoted it on the X-ray, cut open his tummy, and rummaged around inside to retrieve the offending article.
To be quite honest I hope that nice new vet performs any operations that I might need 'cos I'm just not too sure about Eddy and Little Ted's techniques!

I spy, with my lttle eye, something that starts with C

• Children of the Corn

I do not intend to imply that the children of Ted are evil in any way; keep in mind that this blog is a work of fiction, a fairy tale, a collection of random thoughts - definitely not to be taken over seriously. Besides which, I'm struggling to keep up the film quotes so cut me some slack here - I'm just a dog OK!

What you see on these plates is pretty much what got fed to the waste disposer unit after the Ted children had nibbled their half ounce of nourishment each. I thought it should have ended up on my plate but alas it was not to be. I don't like corn anyway but the meat smelled yummy. I must remember to pay more attention at dinnertime and put my bid in for the leftovers. I know Mrs Ted does not like me climbing onto the chairs and helping myself from the table but maybe if I gave her my sad brown eyed look she might GIVE me the leftovers. I'll give that a try tomorrow and let you know if it works.

Remember what the sheriff said: no more shootin' till the sun goes down

• Support your local Sheriff

Ted and Little Ted went out to visit Buddy again on Wednesday night - WITHOUT ME! They have been helping him set up his new computer with particular emphasis on synchronizing it with Buddy's new PDA cellphone thingy. They have almost succeeded in that everything, except outgoing email from the PDA, works. It's probably going to take another Wednesday night visit to fix that final problem but - "confidence is high" (War Games). HELLO; I would like to go too you know!
Anyway, Ted was telling me, they went to Dairy Queen for dinner and Little Ted had popcorn chicken. He was sitting there in the corner booth noisily eating his chicken and talking to his daddy when the local Sheriff and his wife came in.
Little Ted became quite quiet. As he sat down the Sheriff looked at Little Ted and said " don't I know you?"
Well Ted was wondering, he's only 5 years old and he's already known to the Sheriff, what is it going to be like when he's a teenager?
Needless to say Little Ted was only "known" from school and church. Nevertheless the rest of dinner was eaten somewhat quietly as Little Ted fixated on the Sheriff's gun.

If you build it, he will come

• Field of Dreams

Tonight, although the Evil Empire Emporium is under new management as of this date, Ted left early (4:30) - even before Wee Jeanie and Buddy - because he was taking Little Ted to a Corpus Christi Hooks baseball game.
As is probably typical of five year olds the corn dog and popcorn were of equal if not greater importance to Little Ted than the actual game. He did say he enjoyed himself but his ability to sit still and take in any of the game had come to an end after the 4th innings. BTW if the terminology used here is not 100% correct please forgive me as I'm just relaying the story as told to me by Ted, and let's face it - he's not from around here.
Anyway a good time was had by all even tho' they left early before the game (or as Ted would say "the match") was finished. Little kids do get tired and when they got home Ted had to carry them from the truck to their beds; perhaps the best indicator of a successful evenings entertainment!
And as it was Monday night everybody got a Hooks T-shirt, hotdog, and soda all for $5 each. What a bargain! Mind you, Ted didn't bring me a T-shirt; maybe they don't make them in dog sizes?

Life is pain. Get used to it.

• The Long Kiss Goodnight

Little Ted fell out of a tree tonight and hit his head.
Luckily he is quite a hard headed chap and so we did not need to visit the Emergency Room two weekends in a row!
Instead he milked the house for sympathy until everyone had commiserated with him and then, miraculously recovered, he asked for his dessert!

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

• Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Now here's a thing no-one suspected about me. Down at the pet relocation center they told me not to tell anyone about my past but I just can't suppress my basic instincts and this afternoon - it just happened.
You see, this duck - well, it flew past my nose and I without thinking I just jumped into the water and started to paddle after it. Of course it got away - no doubt because it can swim AND fly! I, on the other hand, can only do one of those things effectively and so the duck won.
Nevertheless I had a great time and Ted and Little Ted were greatly impressed with my ability to jump from dock to boat, swim above and below water, and finally - my piece de resistance, I can climb ladders to get out of the water - pretty nifty huh?
I needed a bath anyway 'cos this morning, as well as playing with Bella who soaks my ears with her drool, I also visited with Rocky the yellow Labrador and boy, can labradors produce saliva! I was soaking wet with drool after just a few minutes AND he kept stealing my tennis ball - what a nerve. Good fun tho'.

I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?

• Some like it hot

OK, so y'all take this blog way too seriously!
Misk is a girl dog; I knew that, but heh, the pose fit the quote didn't you think?
Now don't you go giving me a dirty look in that mirror Misk - poetic license an' all. I reserve the right to alter the names and or gender of the protagonists in this extended fairy tale to suit the current purpose of my blog. Details may be changed to protect the innocent- or not.
Woof, woof.

I do have a way with the ladies, Lexie! It's my burden!

• Monarch of the Glen

This is Misk, Jennas' new friend, he likes to go for long walks and seems to have boundless energy - a bit like myself. Jenna on the other hand has long since lost enthusiasm for long walks and much prefers to enjoy her journeys by pickup truck rather like Ted. What a pair; if only Ted had bought a pickup truck in Scotland Jenna would have discovered her passion for these vehicles much earlier.

It's like looking in a mirror. Only... not

• Face/Off

This is Ted's Scottish Golden Retriever. She was 10 years old when the Teds moved to Texas and they reluctantly left her behind as they did not think the journey or the change in climate would enhance her life expectancy. So here she is, now 12 years old, looking better than ever and living a life of pampered luxury with Karen who has known her all her life with the Teds.
Woof, woof Jenna you're a fine looking lady and I wish you were here in Texas living with me and your old family who miss you lots.

It's okay, honey. I... I was just talking to the cornfield.

• Field of Dreams

Ooh, ooh, I got to go,I got to go, I got to go to the ball game - woof,woof!
Ted wouldn't let me fetch the ball tho' but I'm not complaining 'cos I got to see Little Ted playing T-ball and lots of little kids came up to me and patted me on the head which I liked a lot.
I also got to have a Mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks to keep me cool.

This is my corn. You people are guests in my corn

• Field of Dreams

In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"

• ER

Ted came home for lunch today at 3.30pm and took me for a quick walk which was nice. He told me we would go cycling in Memorial Park this evening when he got off work at 6pm and hopefully it would be a bit cooler then for us to exercise. I was really looking forward to trotting alongside the bike again and when 6 o'clock came I was all expectant. Eddy and Little Ted were playing outside waiting for their Daddy to come home and I was inside patiently waiting too.
Unfortunately for all concerned Eddy, strictly against her Daddy's previous counsellings, had chosen to go climbing on to the roof of Monty Minivan and had then slid off the roof, down the windshield and landed on the garage floor with a big gash in her leg. All this happened seconds before Ted got home so when he came into the house he was faced with an "ER" situation on the family room floor. Mrs Ted was dabbing at the wound and Eddy had her arms outstreched calling for her Daddy. I had been shut in my crate after offering my opinion on what to do - humph woof - I sometimes think I'm not appreciated around here!
"So I guess we won't be cycling tonight?" I ventured to say to Ted between Eddy's sobs - and so it was, or wasn't to be. Instead everyone, except me, went off to North Bay Hospital in Aransas Pass to have Eddy's wound super glued together; so much less painful than stiches!
So once again I got left behind but as Ted said to me before leaving, it is 83F out there and we'll likely be at the hospital for hours. It wouldn't be very pleasant for me to be stuck in the truck in that sort of heat for an extended period; once again I had to appreciate the reason for being left behind.
My family didn't get home 'til 10pm but Ted did then take me for a long walk and reminded me that we will be meeting Buddy and Bella again tomorrow morning.

"Have you got a plan, my lord? "

• Blackadder II

"Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it."

Queen Elizabeth I was played by Miranda Richardson in this 1986 series and Ted tells me that he remembers the way she, Queen Elizabeth, got her way every time. If anyone did not agree with her she would let out a loud scream.
And what relevance does this delightful snippet of information have to the blog of a dog of vaguely French origins? Well the somewhat tenuous link for this evenings entry is that Eddy does that very same thing. When she wants her own way she lets out a petulant Miranda Richardson, in the role of Queen Elizabeth I in Blackadder II type scream and boy can I attest to the penetrating nature of her young lung power. We Brittanys have very sensitive ears you know and high pitched close quarter screaming makes us sit up and pay attention.

"I've had ti many martoonis"

• Boys' Night Out (1962)

Last night Ted asked Little Ted where he would like to have dinner before they went out to visit with Buddy and Bella. (Note that I was once again not invited!)
Little Ted said Charlotte Plummers and could they eat upstairs this time. Well, it turns out, when they arrived at the restaurant Little Ted said it was the wrong one; he had meant the Mexican restaurant on Hwy 35 N which has an upstairs area which he had been denied access to the last time the family ate there.
Oh well we're here now said Ted and in they went to have fried shrimp before heading off to visit with their friends.

"Well this is a love story; you've got fire and you've got food."

• Barbecue:A Texas Love Story (2004)

"If you want to be marked as an outsider just come to Texas and say that you don't like barbecue!"
What can I say, I am sitting patiently waiting for the meat to come off the grill, it's not strictly speaking BBQ but it is yummy big steaks which I saw Ted put on the grill and I fully intend to get my fair share of them when they are cooked.
Little Ted and Eddy seldom eat all the food they are served and tonight I'm likely to luck out seriously!
And get a load of those pretty buttercups in the grass behind me. Don't you just love Texas?

Greetings, Comrades! I bring you hot water bottles!

• Gorky Park

The quote is from Rikki Fulton's character, KGB Major Pribluda; Rikki Fulton is better known to Ted as the Rev I M Jolly from his British TV comedy show.
The Rev I M Jolly was anything but jolly, he was the epitome of the half empty glass character - nothing was "jolly" but everything was funny.
And where am I going with this - nowhere 'cos I'm just a dog and I've been outside chasing squirrels and now I'm too tired to blog anything sensible. Even Ted has nothing to complain about from his 8 hours of toil and tribulation at the Evil Empire today. He even came home at lunchtime to give me a long walk; of course I didn't know then that it was because no-one was coming home at 5 o'clock 'cos they all went to Little Ted's T-ball practice. Oh well, I guess they don't want me there 'cos I'd just steal the ball and run away with it!

And so "Goodbye, pretty lady" [Professor Andreev - Gorky Park]

The last time you left me a pistol with one shot

• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Here I am playing with Little Ted's flintlock pistol; unfortunately it was only made of plastic and I kind of crunched it up and broke it. But I had lots of fun running around the yard pretending to be a pirate before that happened. Little Ted thought it was fun too as he chased me. He didn't seem to mind when I broke his gun; he said Ted would get him another one from Walmart. (That's not what I heard Ted say but let's not disillusion a young pirate and maybe he'll forget all about it.)

"Mama says, 'Stupid is as stupid does'."

• Forrest Gump

Well, Ted took me to the ball park at 7 this morning for what might have been my last romp with Bella. She is moving away; Buddy has tried his best to block every hole in his yard fence but she is the Houdini of Hungarian Viszlas and he is worried she will get lost while he is at work so he is trying to find her a new home with someone who can be with her all day.

Afterwards Ted took me to the Evil Empire where he had an appointment to meet one of his customers who could not come in through the week to see him. I stayed in the truck which was OK 'cos it was quite cool this morning but I'd still rather have gone inside with Ted. Anyway, the point is, Ted says he ain't doin' that again 'cos once his appointment people had left lots of other folks were waiting for the other guy who was really working Saturday but they all thought Ted should be seeing them. Oh boy did he feel guilty leaving but if he hadn't he would have missed Little Ted's first ball game and Mrs Ted would have killed him!
Hence the title.

Why are they doing this? They said when you got here, the whole thing started. Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from?

• The Birds

Ted was watching this 1963 Alfred Hitchcock movie on TV the other night and so found it a tad spooky when he stopped to collect the mail tonight and saw a whole bunch of birds sitting in the surrounding trees making loud squawky noises - just like in the movie!

On the other hand, he thought, maybe it's not the Evil Empire that's evil - maybe it's Ted - ha , ha, ha!
Here is where Ted came from and jolly glad to be in a warmer climate is he.
Mind you, to the eyes of a South Texas bird dog, that white stuff looks like fun to frolic in. Does anyone know what it is? What does it taste like? And can I take it home to my crate?

To the west, there is nothing. Except America

• Whisky Galore

and, well, Ted is already there - in America.
It's just a shame that these whiskys didn't come with him!
Sometimes he feels he could do with a good shot of Scotch to get over the frustrations of his day.

I want to break free

• Queen

Woof, woof

I want to break free)
(I want to break free)
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I want to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

Victoria Victorious

• by Jean Plaidy

Ted tells me this is the story of Queen Victoria; and what has this to do with my ongoing stories?
It has as much to do with the dog raconteur's ramblings as apple pie has to do with the price of fish unless you count the predominance of women involved in management at the Evil Empire. Perhaps Ted now works for the British Empire's replacement offspring "Evil".
Anyway, Ted has returned from another day's training grateful for the calming influence of Wee Jeanie during the journey home. Without her intervention Ted would probably have spent the journey home, 60 whole minutes, screaming "Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

These flowers are out of focus because they were blowing in the wind - think about it.

That dirty, double-crossin' rat!

• Blonde Crazy

Tonight Ted is speechless with fury, he is spitting mad. The right hand clearly does not know what the left hand is doing in the Evil Empire. Ted and his colleagues are expected to sell "products" but when it comes to supporting said "products" there is no sodding backup available.

If someone said to you "my company can sell you this thing, it will benefit you thus and it's best to buy it now, when offered, rather than when you desperately need it" and you accepted that offer. How would you feel if "The Company" came back the next day and said "oh, by the way since you didn't fax us your order until this morning we are not going to honor the offer" what would you think?

I'm just a dog but I would bite them and then run away - fast!

Ted is just b*****y furious.

What we've got here is failure to communicate - 2

Please continue to enjoy the ramblings of Dr Johnson, dog raconteur in the spirit they are written:-)















Ooh, ooh, I weight 41 lbs, that's good, right?

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship

• Casablanca

... Day 2, having taken only 2 half anti biotic tablets as prescribed by my new vet, I succeeded in not getting Ted up in the middle of the night. I also did not need to rush outside when everyone woke up either. I guess the pills must be working so I'll finish the course and hopefully we'll hear no more whining in the night from me:-)
I think I like this new vet - even with all the poking and prodding. Not only was she very nice and found out what was wrong with me but she then showed Ted and me around her new practice which seems to have just about any facility a busy vet might need to administer to the needs of her furry customers. It's very reassuring to know that whilst Ted has to go to Aransas Pass or Corpus to get his broken limbs X-rayed I can have mine done here in Rockport; not that I'm planning on breaking anything!

Yesterday was a full day, not only did Ted have to go to work at the Evil Empire in the morning where he had quite a successful day actually, but then we all went out to visit Bella and Buddy in the afternoon for a BBQ. Yum, yum, woof, woof and I got to have a big bit of hamburger (unseasoned) that was left over; I don't think Bella got anything. She was pushing me around again so she didn't deserve a treat anyway. She did take me to see the neighbors pond which had ducks in it so I couldn't resist taking a running leap into the pond to try and retrieve a duck. Well I am a bird dog! Unfortunately they all got away and I couldn't get out the pond without Ted's help. He said I should have come back when he first called me then I wouldn't be soaking wet and stuck in a pond - guess that was right.
Here is the proof:

"What we've got here is failure to communicate."

• Cool Hand Luke

Ted was supposed to work today with Wee Jeanie; it was on the oh so recently published "who works which Saturday" list which Senga insisted on hand-crafting lest we did something involving our initiatives.
That list already messed with Ted's Saturday schedule as he was not meant to work in March at all due to previous days swapped with other colleagues but today everyone was "instructed" to come in for "a big end of month sales push"
So what does that do for the published schedule, woof! A dog needs to know when he can go to the beach on Saturday. You can't mess with my recreational habits like they don't matter.

The funny thing is that, on the day, only Ted and Wee Jeanie turned up for "the big push" due to everyone else having prior arrangements. Maybe the folks at the Evil Empire that come up with these ludicrous plans will attempt to give more than 48 hours notice of their demented plans in future. How does that sound? And the hilarious thing about it is that Ted was able to sit in Wee Jeanies' office and have his breakfast and a good long chat before any customers showed up. In fact there was barely enough trade all morning to keep the two of them occupied; thank goodness all six could not work today!

By the way just so you know, I got to play with Bella again at the ball park this morning and afterwards Ted took me to meet the new vet in town. She was very nice even tho' she poked and prodded me a bit and asked all sorts of stuff about heart worms and fleas and things no self respecting dog would have anything to do with. She has a "state of the art" surgery and even did a urine analysis while I waited; so now I'm on anti-biotic s which are supposed to stop me waking Ted up a 3am to let me out for a pee. Apparently I have a urinary tract infection which will hopefully be cured by these pills. I have to go back in 14 days to see if that has worked out or if something more drastic is needed.

... to be continued.

A dish fit for the gods

• Shakespeare's Julius Caesar

Let's be sacrificers, but not butchers, Caius. . . . And, gentle friends, Let's kill him boldly, but not wrathfully; Let's carve him as a dish fit for the gods, Not hew him as a carcass fit for hounds; And let our hearts, as subtle masters do, Stir up their servants to an act of rage, And after seem to chide 'em.

Ted tells me that this quote is apt today as he, Mrs Ted, Mrs Ted's mother and Mrs Ted's father are all going out to dinner this evening with one of Ted's customers who has become one of his friends. They are going to the Yacht Club and, to digress slightly, you may have guessed that I am not invited to join them there - humph, woof; the junior Teds are not going either so I guess I don't need to feel any personal affront at my exclusion.
The aptness of the quote, I am informed, is that the Evil Empire instructed Ted to sell, sell, sell to this woman and instead he has turned her into a friend, regular lunch date, and a family dinner companion.
So much more civilized than the blatent sales pitch he is subjected to daily.
The quote "A dish fit for the gods" has come to mean something delectable and/or delicious to eat whereas in its' original context that phrase refered to something somewhat darker in nature.
Perhaps tomorrow Ted may have some pictures from the Yacht Club. Personally I'm hoping that he comes home tonight with a doggy bag full of goodies to compensate me for not being allowed to join them at the dinner table!

Breathe life into a stone

• Shakespeare's All's well that ends well

I have seen a medicine
That's able to breathe life into a stone,
Quicken a rock, and make you dance canary
With spritely fire and motion, whose simple touch
Is powerful to araise King Pippen, nay,
To give great Charlemain a pen in 's hand
And write to her a love-line.

Woof woof, Ted says one is as likely to do some of the Evil Empires bidding as Helena is likely to succeed in raising King Pippen or Charlemain from the dead.

Tonight, for instance, Ted is expected to attend some meeting thing after office hours. He is expected to cheerfully give of his personal time to "network" in the community.
Small spherical objects is what I say to that; for one thing The Evil Empire does not pay salary, it pays wages and clocks its' employees by the minute. Why then would any sane employee willingly take away from his precious family time after office hours without receiving adequate financial recompense. Truthfully Ted believes that such time should be paid at overtime rates rather than donated free of charge in the pursuit of corporate profits.

This is precious dog walking time Ted is expected to eat into here! It is just not woofing well acceptable and these sad people need to get a grip and stop coming up with increasingly ludicrous activities to fill their employees time 24 hours a day.

Ted actually ended up enjoying himself, hence All's well that ends well. Networking can be fun but he still thinks it should come at time and a half!

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

• Shakespeare's Hamlet

Woof woof, this is not a happy play. Ted tells me that Hamlet considers suicide as he suffers moral and mental anguish over the knowledge that his uncle killed his father and married his mother.

And what has this to do with the price of fish in a seaside town; well, according to Ted, Hamlet's anguish is as naught when compared to the dilemma faced by sane people who happen to work for The Evil Empire.
Being as there are only 24 hours in every day and the Evil Empire is only prepared to pay for 8 of those how can anyone keep all the balls in the air? Even Senga says it's not possible and one of those balls is going to hit you on the head some day; just do your best to keep the others in the air.

Personally I thought balls were for chasing across parks and bringing back to your owner so they could throw them again but then I'm a dog and I live a simple life. Life you may recall is the operative word.
Even I, a mere dog, have a life!

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

• Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

Or in plain English, as Ted says,

What matters is what something is, not what it is called.

And so to today's rant which has been brought about by Ted's overexposure to colleagues who seriously need to get a life outside of The Evil Empire lest they spontaneously combust due to the amount of hot air they spew out whilst towing the party line.

Anyway, I digress, so on with the rant:

People please, sales are sales. Just admit that you are following the prime directive of the Evil Empire and want to sell every customer every product available regardless of need, requirement, or advisability.

Repeat after me;

"I am an Evil Empire "salesperson" and I want to sell you everything I can."
There you are now; don't you feel better for coming clean?

These people also need to figure out that Sunday is at the very least a day of rest to be shared with family and, should you choose, with God. Salivating over statistical sales reports on the Sabbath is bad bad bad and will impair your health!
Get a life, or better yet, get a dog and go to the park or the beac h. The dog will show you how to have fun, woof woof!

By the pricking of my thumbs,

• Shakespeare's MacBeth

Something wicked this way comes. [Knocking]
Open locks,
Whoever knocks!
[Enter Macbeth]
Macbeth:
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is't you do?

One has to wonder, Ted said on arriving home this evening, if it isn't a case of better the devil you know ...
It seems that Senga has announced her imminent departure from her role as Enforcer in the Evil Empire Emporium and she will be moving up to oversee several of the Evil Empires' Emporia whilst being based somewhere other than where Ted works. So she will still be there hovering in the background crying for sales, sales, and more sales but not perhaps crying directly into Ted's aural organs.
Oh well, just when Ted thought he was settling in and coping with the never ending demands of "the Empire", he is thrown a curve ball. Watch this space for developments in the continuing saga of:
[drum roll]

"The Evil Empire Emporium!"

starring
Ted as Ted
Buddy as Ted's buddy
Wee Jeanie as Ted's better half [strictly work related issues only:-)]
and a cast of thousands, well - many, say around 20.

The Enforcer is dead, long live the Enforcer.
(no sales people were injured in the making of this epic adventure.)

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

• Chic Murray joke

Ted needs a bit of humor in his life right now as he trashed a tire yesterday and it hasn't even done 5000 miles yet. If you ask me it serves him right for going out to visit Buddy and Bella without taking me - humph, woof. He said Bella went all around the truck looking for me but I was languishing at home, unaware that Ted had gone to visit them, and so I was unable to warn Ted of the dangers of running over deer antlers. Cos I would have seen them and barked a warning!
Oh deary deary me, if you'll pardon the pun:

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle

• Chic Murray joke

This morning I had to get Ted up early to go meet Buddy and Bella at the ballpark because it's Buddy's Saturday to work at the Evil Empire Emporium and so we needed to start early to let him get back home with Bella before going to work.
Here is a picture of the moon over the ballpark; if you squint at it you might just be able to make out Bella and me crashing into Buddy under the moon.
The grass was wet, not quite the "poodle" of the joke, but wet enough to get me soaked as Bella pushed me around as usual. I got rolled in the red clay again and so much stuck to me, because I was wet, that I went home the same color as Bella again!
Ted gave me a cold shower in the backyard when we got home; he said I'm a bird dog and should not have a problem with cold water but you know that's easy for him to say. He went inside and had a hot shower!

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

• Chic Murray joke

Something you should probably know about Ted is that when he tells me these jokes so I can type my daily blog entry he does so "in the style of Chic Murray." Now I'm a four year old dog, I'm of French lineage not Scottish, and I'd never heard of Chic Murray before Ted started telling his jokes so what would I know?
However Ted tells me that his impersonation is quite authentic and who am I to argue. The point here is that many of you folks out there in cyberspace may not understand that these "lines" are funny - and you might be right except for the delivery which makes the picture complete.
Sadly you are denied the delight of experiencing Ted in Chic Murray mode and that is either your loss or a great blessing - you decide:-)

You will have gathered that it is Friday evening again and Ted is once more in frivolous mood:-)

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

• Chic Murray joke

Today Ted has been in Victoria on a training course. Here is a pretty picture taken from the lofty heights of his employer's building showing a view of Victoria containing, containing what Ted? Really, you humans are hopeless at times, if I took a picture of something I think I would know what it was -woof!

Anyway, as I was saying, Ted went to Victoria today as did his good friend Wee Jeanie. Throughout their basic training it was a standing joke that these two live within a stones throw of each other but Wee Jeanie would arrive in Victoria 15 minutes before Ted - every time. How is this possible I hear you ask. Well it's quite simple really, Wee Jeanie told Ted which was the best route to the training center but Ted, as is his wont, decided that his way was better. However, today, they travelled together in Wee Jeanie's truck and she showed Ted the error of his ways. Give him his due, when a woman in his life presents irrefutable evidence of his stupidity, stubbornness, or downright cussedness, Ted does tend to admit he was wrong and golly gosh today was one of those occasions - Mrs Ted is very familiar with this type of situation!
Just to prove the point here is another picture from which you can see two things; first, Wee Jeanie wasn't driving much faster than Ted and second, she drives the same type of truck as Ted.
Another advantage of this arrangement was that they got to spend a couple of hours together shooting the breeze on the way out and analyzing the day's activity on the way back. Without going into any great detail they have concluded that the day was interesting and worthwhile, they like each others company, and some people need to either get a life or some serious counseling about their priorities.
And yes, Wee Jeanie did do the journey in the standard 15 minutes less that Ted.

"All-righty then"

• Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

It's Spring Break and the beaches are full of young people - "having fun". Sadly that means the beach is not a good place to take an excitable chap like me, Johnson, dog raconteur.
Ted did not go in to the Evil Empire Emporium today; he's on holiday. He said it was his turn to look after the kids and he was going to take us all on an adventure. (Me too)
Alas it was not to be as Little Ted threw up in the kitchen after breakfast and Ted spent the rest of the morning scrubbing and cleaning. No doubt Mrs Ted will do it all again when she comes home but it looks fine to me and Ted!

So Little Ted has been curled up in his sleeping bag on the sofa watching Scooby Doo all day and Eddy has been very good at not annoying her brother or her father and has been honing her Wii skills.
Ted does not approve of the Wii but he is outnumbered 4 to 1 here because Mrs Ted, Eddy, and Little Ted love it and I get all excited when they are waving their arms about and jumping off the coffee table whilst watching the big black rectangle on the wall. Seems like a lot of fun to me although I don't actually understand what they are doing.

For lunch Ted made himself a big bacon and cheese omelette, I got a bowl of Nutro small bites lamb and rice, Eddy ate one, or maybe two, spaghetti hoops, and Little Ted scarfed down a whole plateful of spaghetti hoops and drank some fizzy orangey stuff that Mrs Ted told Ted to give to him. So far everyone still has their lunch inside their tummies rather than displaying it on the kitchen floor.

BTW the more observant of you will have noted that, by request of a reader, I have gone back and entered the name of the movie from which each title is taken. Well, I've done 25 of them so far and I'll get around to the rest of them sometime but my paws are sore from typing so it likely won't be today! Anyway if I use movie quotes as titles in future entries I'll be putting the movie name on there so that you won't have to rack your brains or Google for the source:-)

See, dogs can smile too:-)

ps
There are whale noises coming from the family room which indicates to me that Little Ted has now recovered from his illness and has returned to his "old" 5 year old self! (He does a very good talking whale)

"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart."

• The Diary of Anne Frank

That's what Ted says but then he choses his friends carefully. Others may be of dubious character or their opinions may change with the direction of the wind or even depending on the day of the week. Those people do not appeal to Ted and so he does not take them to lunch.

It occurs to me that Ted is spending too much of his time enjoying lunch with his lady friends and he should come home more often to take me, his faithful companion, out for walks!

By the way, at the weekend, Buddy and Bella came to visit and helped us to put our tethered ball into a concrete base so now the little Teds have a new toy and I can run around and around the pole chasing this bright yellow ball which seems to have a mind of its' own!

"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

• Dirty Harry

... and the answer according to Ted is that he increasingly does not feel lucky.
Senga keeps pointing her equivalent of a 44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, at his head and telling him to keep his hours to 40 per week, keep up to date, AND have dozens of sales every day.
Someone, in this equation, is missing an essential point; i.e. there is a finite amount of time in each day AND there is also a finite limit to the number of sales possible in small town America. Even if Corporate America dictates that you should have X number of sales per day it may just not be sodding well possible!
Ah well, Ted feels so much better for telling this to me and knowing that I will share it with the 2 people who regularly read my blog:-)

From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned whale.

• Moby Dick

Woof, woof, yip, yip, grr, grr, I'll fight you to the death Mr Whale.
No one invades my back yard on my watch!

I realize how difficult it's going to be in this god-forsaken place where you can't find what you need, but there's the challenge.

• Bridge on the River Kwai

And here, on the Harbor Bridge in Corpus Christi, is where Ted was unable to take me today. I must say when I looked at all his photographs over on TartanTed I was really very grateful that he left me safely in the house. I think I might have slipped through the cracks in the roadway if I'd gone with him!
Ted said it wasn't as high as he thought it would be but the pathway was really only designed as an emergency escape route, not a pedestrian walkway, so when the 18 wheelers went flying by it was quite scary. Some of them even honked their horns as they passed which, strangely enough, did not alarm Ted at all because it was a fairly insignificant addition to the general noise level of the passing vehicles.
Anyway that is how Ted and his mother in law spent their Saturday morning - walking over the Harbor Bridge.

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

• Wizard of Oz

This week Ted's truck had to go to the shop to have the oil changed for the first time so he and Mrs Ted dropped it off one night and Ted arranged with Buddy to take him to collect it the next evening.
On the way to collect the truck Ted's phone rang twice. First it was one of his customers who wanted to know if he was ready to leave the Evil Empire and come work for her. Very flattering but not practical as she can't offer the same health benefits. Ted says he will find a way to help her without giving up his beloved job at the EEE.
Next it was Mrs Ted calling to tell Ted that he was on his own for dinner as she and the kids were going to the church and wouldn't be back until 8pm.
Mrs Buddy also had other plans and so Ted and Buddy got to go to dinner at a local restaurant on their way home. Here are pictures to prove it.

This - leaving me at home on a Saturday - thing is getting to be a habit with Ted. After our morning romp with Bella he told me that the family was going somewhere I could not come! What a cheek, surely I should be able to go everywhere with my family, I'm such a well behaved dog. And, AND Ted wouldn't tell me where they are going! He said I'd have to wait until they get back at lunchtime and then he would tell me so I can write about it. I've a good mind to let him write it himself - humph, woof.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

• Animal Crackers
  

Friday again and Ted is in good humor because he does not need to go into the Evil Empire Emporium tomorrow.
Instead he and I will meet up with Buddy and Bella at the ball park again and have lots of fun fetching a tennis ball.
I think I've just about got Buddy and Ted trained to fetch the ball now. They have been very obstinate and difficult to train; both of them seemed to think that I should fetch their ball for them but really, if they keep hitting it to the other side of the ball park, they need to realize it is their responsibility to fetch it back!

With any luck Ted will take me to the Donut Palace again for breakfast when we finish at the park. They do yummy pigs in blankets; I like the pig bit, don't much care for the blanket bit but I'll eat anything I'm offered. Well I am a dog you know!

And our bodies are earth. And our thoughts are clay. And we sleep and eat with death

• All Quiet on the Western Front
  

And life at the Evil Empire Emporium does sometimes seem to resemble life in the trenches of World War I

[Just before anyone gets offended please remember that I am only a dog, of French extraction, and in no way wish to detract from the sacrifices made by millions of soldiers on both sides of the conflict which came to be known as "The Great War" or the war to end all wars.]

This is merely a light hearted blog, written by a dog, and reflecting the, sometimes dry and sometimes wicked, sense of humor which I share with my owner.

So, over the top we go to the stirring sound of bagpipes, onwards to certain death, or at least to rejection of our sales overtures.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

• Airplane
  

Unlike the movie from which the quote is taken, where lots of stuff was happening, not much is going on at the Evil Empire Emporium today.
Consequently the pressure is on to be proactive in obtaining sales. Let's all call around the town and see who we can tick off by offering them stuff they don't want!

Ted, on the other hand has a cunning plan, he has called one of his friendly customers and asked her to lunch. What a splendid idea; Ted gets to record a customer appointment, have pleasant company for lunch, and get out of the Evil Empire Emporium for an hour (at least) without feeling guilty. You never know, he may even get some business out if it too!

Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put into this world to rise above.

• The African Queen

Ah yes, but let us not condemn Ted for participating in the one truly good contribution to society which the French have made. Even I, with my French ancestry, have to admit that as a race the French leave something to be desired. Thank goodness for their major saving grace - wine.
And if Ted, after another horrendous day putting up with the pretentious pomposity of the Evil Empire's sales pitch, wishes to indulge in a little French wine therapy, who am I to object?

On the other hand:
"Le travail éloigne de nous trois grands maux: l'ennui, le vice et le besoin."
Voltaire.
Maybe the Evil Empire has a positive side to it?

A man takes a drop too much once in a while, it's only human nature.

• The African Queen
  

Judging by the title of this post I imagine that Ted is still thinking about the Oysterfest and what he missed by not paying the $3 to get into the beer and food tent. This year, he told me, was for the kids; next year will be for Ted and Mrs Ted. Maybe they will be able to imbibe more of the carnival atmosphere as well as some of the beer and oysters if they play their cards right.
Unfortunately they are not allowed to take me to the festival; the police department was patrolling the entrance and denying entry to anyone with a dog! They were also scanning the people leaving the site and asking if they had any open containers of alcohol. Thank goodness our tax dollars are being put to good use. Yes, "our" tax dollars; the city gets taxes on my Nutro small bites too you know!

Give me a whisky, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby

• Anna Christie
  

Actually Ted tells me it was more a beer thing yesterday at the Oysterfest.
Beer and oysters, maybe some shrimp too.
The really incongruous thing about this "local festival" is that oysters from the local bays were deemed uneatable at the last minute and fresh oysters had to be imported from Louisiana to satisfy demand during the festival.
Thank goodness I can rely on my Nutro small bites to be eatable any time I can stuff my nose into my bowl!

So, yesterday I promised you more photos of me and my friend Bella, I've tried to upload them but Blogger just keeps giving me a "Server error".
Lucky for me Ted has somewhere else I can upload my pictures so if y'all just want to pop over to TartanTed you can see Bella and me at the park this morning.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

• Casablanca
  

Yesterday was very quiet at the Evil Empire Emporium and that enabled Ted and Wee Jeanie to sneak out together at lunch time, something normally unheard of - 2 people at lunch at the same time - shock horror!
Anyway they snuck off to a local Mexican restaurant and had a quick half hour lunch together - very civilized and probably not to be repeated in the foreseeable future. Afterwards Ted came home and took me for a long walk and so he had an extended lunch. Just as well Senga was away somewhere or she would no doubt have disapproved of lunch and dog walking!

Today I got to romp with Bella again in the early morning but for the rest of the day I was left at home 'cos everyone went to the Fulton Oysterfest parade and that would have been too hot and bothersome for me to attend. The kids were on floats in the parade and then, after lunch, went to the Oysterfest fair or carnival, whatever it's called. Anyway they had a great time going on all the rides and eating loads of cotton candy. You can see the pictures on Tartan Ted. You can also see pictures of me and Bella on the same web site. I'm going to meet my friend Bella again tomorrow morning so maybe there will be even more pictures of us then.

The dingo took my baby!

• A Cry in the Dark
  

... or, as they used to say in Ted's alternative life last century on that other continent,
"I was on holiday that day"
Anything but accept responsibility for your own actions!

Some people are just like that and no matter how you approach them they will be defensive, awkward, unhelpful, and objectionable.
If you are working in customer service and recognize yourself please step forward and preferably keep going out the door and get yourself a job somewhere your miserable face won't upset so many innocent souls who are just trying to go about their business in a normal polite environment!

That's more of a Grrrr, Grrrrr than a woof, woof. I guess someone must have upset Ted today, I think we'll let sleeping dogs (bears) lie on this one rather than pursue the matter further.

Let's just concentrate on the fact that it's Friday evening and the clock has stopped again. Monday will be a new week and maybe the start of a new attitude in customer service.
(Watch for the pigs flying past your window at the same time!)

Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'

• Casablanca
  

One has to have some happy distracted time away from the Evil Empire and tonight Ted and I have covered our blind eyes and declared "we see no ships"

So woof woof, for no better reason than this dog loves Casablanca, here are the lyrics to:
"As time goes by"

(And don't try to analyze what this has to do with Admiral Nelson 'cos it's just the muddled thoughts of a dog, and a French one at that, so there is no connection!)

"This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension
Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension
And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by
And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by
Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny
Well, it's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by
Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by"

For the avoidance of doubt ...

• not a film quote
  

... let it hereby be know that Ted, owner and feeder of me - Dr Johnson, writes this blog in an extremely tongue in cheek fashion giving scant regard to the realities of life. Please do not take anything written here as the gospel truth.
Bacon, bacon, bacon is a parody of a British TV advert for dog treats and in no way implies that I am actually fed piggy bacon by Ted. Similarly the content of the blog entries concerning the Evil Empire are no more directly related to their titles than smoke in the wind.
So, Dear Anonymous who left the comment on Wednesday's entry, please be assured that I am fed exclusively on Nutro Natural Choice Lamb Small Bites as recommended by the American Brittany Rescue Organization.

"Houston, we have a problem."

• Apollo 13
  

How can one sustain high volume sales day after day in a small town environment with a finite number of customers and product requirements?
I keep telling you - I am only a dog so how should I know?
You humans are the crazy ones that think you know it all!
How can you prevent the Evil Empire Emporium from crashing and burning? Or do you even want to try to save it from this existentially exquisite end?

Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns!

• The Breakfast Club
  

This would seem like good advice for any young man or dog. In the case of Ted, "the bull" in question is pretty much the company line - which is: a load of bull.
Still an' all Ted made a few sales today on a day devoid of passing trade and so remains in favor until the next time his sales do not come up to the delusionally high expectations of the Evil Empire.
Ted lives to fight another day but tomorrow he has another appointment with:
"The Dentist" (Is it safe?)

"It's showtime!"

• All that Jazz
  

The first Monday of the month and everybody wants to buy stuff. Or at least that's what Senga was trying to tell Ted, Buddy, Wee Jeanie and the other folks down at the Evil Empire Emporium this morning.
Turns out it was quite a good day for sales but really who, in their right mind, can get excited at all this guff?

Does your dog bite?

• The Pink Panther Strikes Again

Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

Moral: Be specific in what you ask!
That's Dr Johnson's advice to all you humans out there.
Here's a picture of me relaxing after my early Sunday morning romp with my friend Bella. I think I managed to tire her out today but even when we were lying down exhausted she still kept nuzzling my neck; don't you women ever stop? Thank goodness Ted took me home, gave me a bath, and then let me collapse in a heap on the spare couch.

Grillin' grillin' grillin

Keep them dogies movin, Rawhide
Hah Hah,

Maybe Ted will give me one of those juicy steaks; he can keep that green and yellow stuff but I can smell the steak.

Steak, steak, steak, oh what an even happier dog I am than when we had the bacon, bacon, bacon!